My Current Swan Song
Written by: Missy
I have done absolutely nothing with my life.
I just read a status from a friend which said, “I’ve
accomplished so much in the past ten years. In that time I’ve written my first
novel, I’ve graduated from high school and college, I’ve gotten married, and I’ve
had my first child. I think that’s an achievement unlocked!” After reading
this, I know for a fact that she is right. She has done so much already.
And then there’s me.
Sure I graduated from high school, not in the top of my
class obviously. I graduated college with a degree that so far hasn’t been any
use to me. I’ve been working the poor man’s job. No, I don’t flip burgers but I
am a cashier. I’m working two jobs that are the same thing. I’m trying to pay
off the degree that I haven’t used.
I’m not married.
I don’t have children.
With the exception of my little dog, so I guess in a sense,
he is my child.
I don’t have any accomplishments.
I have an award plaque that says I’ve played softball in
high school. I never scored any homeruns. I’ve always been struck out at the
plate. I’ve never tagged anyone out. I’ve never caught an outfield ball.
I have a first place trophy from a very small forensics
competition from a very small town. I only won first because I was the better
storyteller then just one other person. Not much for competition so how could I
really tell if I was the best?
I’ve made cosplays. But they were only ones that were on a
low budget or cheap materials. I’ve painted picture frames for friends and
other miscellaneous projects as presents. But other than that, I definitely wouldn’t
consider myself professional.
Even in my own writing, my professors always felt like I
lack a professional voice. And my creativity with words are embarrassingly
pathetic. I’ve always felt very plain when I write because I talk normally in
person. I don’t use flashy words to impress people. I’m definitely not like my
other writer friends who use bigger words all the time in their daily
conversations. I guess in a way, this is a bit of my own downfall. My selection
of words are weak at best, which probably explains why I suck as a poet. Too
much common emotions and not enough imagery or big flashy words.
I’m too simple.
I suppose this is why I’m a cashier, because at least I can
keep a basic conversation. I’m surprised all the time when customers use words
that I never use in my conversations. It makes me feel incredibly stupid being
in their presence because….common people can use flashier or bigger words than
I. I hope I’m not offensive saying it that way, I just wanted to compliment how
average normal people can use words a lot better than I can.
So yeah, I’ve done absolutely nothing with my life.
For all I know, it might take me years working are my
cashier jobs just to pay off my college loans. It might take me years just to
get money to buy my own house. It might take me years to get a better and more functional
vehicle.
This type of reality check is not something that anyone
wants to deal with but I guess whether we want to or not, we experience this
all the time.
I feel like such a bum. Really I do.
I feel so worthless. The skills that I developed in college
have yet to help me. My dream to become a famous writer may not happen until I’m
long dead and my grandchildren find all of my partial stories that I’ve written
in notebooks. I guess that kind of being
famous is fine but I would like to feel a little bit proud of my work when
people love my work while I’m still alive in my time period.
There are some old phrases or saying that I strongly
dislike. Such as, “good things come to those who wait” however if I just wait
around to be famous then I’m not really doing anything. I wouldn’t be writing.
I actually have to write and do something to get what I want. I will still
argue that this particular old saying is bullshit.
My friends and family are living their dreams, they have
already achieved some of the biggest life achievements. As for me, I’ve still
got to get my foot in the door….and I realized that is another old saying used
for writers and getting into “the business”.
Life lesson of today…
Don’t wait.
Also, don’t be a sad sap like I am right now. Not very many
people like to read sad stuff and most don’t even bat an eye at this kind of
material anymore. After a while, depressive talk gets repetitive and boring. So
I’m glad I’m done venting temporarily about my life woes.
I hope everyone is having a better day.
