My Swan Song

 My Current Swan Song

Written by: Missy

I have done absolutely nothing with my life.

I just read a status from a friend which said, “I’ve accomplished so much in the past ten years. In that time I’ve written my first novel, I’ve graduated from high school and college, I’ve gotten married, and I’ve had my first child. I think that’s an achievement unlocked!” After reading this, I know for a fact that she is right. She has done so much already.

And then there’s me.

Sure I graduated from high school, not in the top of my class obviously. I graduated college with a degree that so far hasn’t been any use to me. I’ve been working the poor man’s job. No, I don’t flip burgers but I am a cashier. I’m working two jobs that are the same thing. I’m trying to pay off the degree that I haven’t used. 

I’m not married.

I don’t have children.

With the exception of my little dog, so I guess in a sense, he is my child.

I don’t have any accomplishments.

I have an award plaque that says I’ve played softball in high school. I never scored any homeruns. I’ve always been struck out at the plate. I’ve never tagged anyone out. I’ve never caught an outfield ball. 

I have a first place trophy from a very small forensics competition from a very small town. I only won first because I was the better storyteller then just one other person. Not much for competition so how could I really tell if I was the best?

I’ve made cosplays. But they were only ones that were on a low budget or cheap materials. I’ve painted picture frames for friends and other miscellaneous projects as presents.  But other than that, I definitely wouldn’t consider myself professional.

Even in my own writing, my professors always felt like I lack a professional voice. And my creativity with words are embarrassingly pathetic. I’ve always felt very plain when I write because I talk normally in person. I don’t use flashy words to impress people. I’m definitely not like my other writer friends who use bigger words all the time in their daily conversations. I guess in a way, this is a bit of my own downfall. My selection of words are weak at best, which probably explains why I suck as a poet. Too much common emotions and not enough imagery or big flashy words.

I’m too simple.

I suppose this is why I’m a cashier, because at least I can keep a basic conversation. I’m surprised all the time when customers use words that I never use in my conversations. It makes me feel incredibly stupid being in their presence because….common people can use flashier or bigger words than I. I hope I’m not offensive saying it that way, I just wanted to compliment how average normal people can use words a lot better than I can.

So yeah, I’ve done absolutely nothing with my life.

For all I know, it might take me years working are my cashier jobs just to pay off my college loans. It might take me years just to get money to buy my own house. It might take me years to get a better and more functional vehicle.

This type of reality check is not something that anyone wants to deal with but I guess whether we want to or not, we experience this all the time.

I feel like such a bum. Really I do. 

I feel so worthless. The skills that I developed in college have yet to help me. My dream to become a famous writer may not happen until I’m long dead and my grandchildren find all of my partial stories that I’ve written in notebooks.  I guess that kind of being famous is fine but I would like to feel a little bit proud of my work when people love my work while I’m still alive in my time period.

There are some old phrases or saying that I strongly dislike. Such as, “good things come to those who wait” however if I just wait around to be famous then I’m not really doing anything. I wouldn’t be writing. I actually have to write and do something to get what I want. I will still argue that this particular old saying is bullshit. 

My friends and family are living their dreams, they have already achieved some of the biggest life achievements. As for me, I’ve still got to get my foot in the door….and I realized that is another old saying used for writers and getting into “the business”.

Life lesson of today…

Don’t wait. 

Also, don’t be a sad sap like I am right now. Not very many people like to read sad stuff and most don’t even bat an eye at this kind of material anymore. After a while, depressive talk gets repetitive and boring. So I’m glad I’m done venting temporarily about my life woes. 

I hope everyone is having a better day.